Collective Wisdom

In our society, a baby shower is a common celebration that families and loved ones host for the parents-to-be. These parties typically involve a baby registry that guests can use as a gift giving guide, baby- or new parent-related games, food, advice, and typically a group of close friends and family to the parents-to-be. Some people absolutely love these parties and have the planning down to a science! Others find baby showers overwhelming, exhausting, and sometimes a little frustrating, especially if unsolicited advice or comments are being shared, or guests decide not to follow the carefully curated baby registry that parents spent hours building (“oh thank you, another 10 pack of onesies that we didn’t ask for and likely won’t use before baby grows out of them…!”). One mother I heard from explained that she doesn’t feel comfortable receiving gifts for the baby before the baby arrives. Another mother I spoke with echoed this sentiment, adding that in her culture, it is unheard of to buy items for the baby before they arrive.

This isn’t meant to sound ungrateful or cynical, as I think many parents appreciate the gesture of a baby shower. But I can also understand that some parents don’t feel comfortable asking their loved ones to buy gifts for them or their baby, especially if they’ve already had a baby shower. Some guests may shrink away to the food table or backyard when the games start. And others don’t really want to be in a room of people they don’t know for hours, making awkward small talk on topics they may not have a lot of understanding on but are at the shower to support the parents.

Does any of this strike a chord?

Despite how well-meaning these parties can be, some families opt out of baby showers for the above reasons. So, this begs the question: is there another meaningful way to celebrate and support the parents that doesn’t involve some of the downsides of a baby shower?

The answer is yes! And one of those meaningful ways is called a Mother Blessing.

I had never heard of a Mother Blessing before until recently, so I reached out to some of my friends and colleagues to ask them more about these celebrations.

What is a Mother Blessing?

A Mother Blessing is typically a prenatal gathering of the mother-to-be and their close friends and family where the focus is solely on the mother-to-be. Mother Blessings are usually held late in the third trimester (36-38 weeks). The Mother Blessing usually involves nourishment, pampering, a sharing circle, and other rituals to build confidence and put the mother-to-be at ease as she transitions into motherhood.

Please note: A Mother Blessing is inspired by Blessingway ceremonies held by the Navajo peoples. Blessingways are sacred rite of passage rituals only meant for the Navajo people. As such, the terms ‘Mother Blessing’ and ‘Blessingway’ should not be used interchangeably out of respect for the Navajo people and their culture and traditions.

What types of rituals can someone expect at a Mother Blessing?

Mother Blessings can be tailored to the mother's wants and needs as she transitions into motherhood. Here are some of the rituals you may see at a Mother Blessing:

1. Nourishment: Those attending the Mother Blessing may bring a small snack to share with the group, potluck style. There may also be drinks such as flavoured water or herbal teas offered to nourish the bodies of those in attendance.
2. Pampering: The mother is sometimes pampered by those closest to her throughout the Mother Blessing. Pampering may involve a flower crown crafted by the attendees, a massage (or many massages all over the body), soaks (feet, hands, or both), or other gestures of affection. These are some of the ways friends and family adore the mother, who may not be feeling beautiful where they’re at in their pregnancy.
3. Creating a bracelet or necklace: Guests at the Mother Blessing may be asked to bring a few beads to contribute to the creation of a bracelet or necklace for the mother as a symbol of connection to those in attendance. The mother wears this necklace during labour, remembering the connection and all the well-wishes and blessings her loved ones gave them with the beads.
4. Cutting the cord: Another symbol of connection between the mother and their loved ones is a cutting the cord ceremony. This is where guests wrap a long string (maybe from a ball of yarn) around their wrists, connecting themselves with the other guests and then finally the mother. As guests do this, they may wish positive things for the mother, such as strength, patience, joy, a safe birth, enough support postpartum, etc. The mother-to-be cuts the cord at the end, and the guests wear the string until baby arrives. A fellow doula colleague of mine who attended a Mother Blessing said that a string was tied around her ankle, and served as a symbol that she would walk with the mother through her journey.
5. Belly casting: Some Mother Blessing ceremonies have the mother’s belly casted with non-toxic plaster. Once the cast dries, guests may draw or write meaningful words of wisdom on the cast for the mother to remember this season of their life.
6. Belly art: Instead of casting, the mother may have guests draw or paint on their belly using henna or non-toxic paint.
7. Affirmations: Some Mother Blessing ceremonies have the guests write words of wisdom or affirmations for the mother to take with them into labour. These affirmations may be clipped onto a string and hung up in the birth room for her reflect upon and inspire her during labour.
8. Sharing of stories, wisdom, or wishes: The guests of the Mother Blessing may share stories, wisdom, or wishes for the mother either at some point in the gathering or throughout the gathering. These stories can inspire strength, courage, peace, or ease through the labour and birth experience. Some mothers encourage the guests to write words of wisdom on cards and, like the affirmations, these cards can be hung around the birth room to inspire her through her labour.
9. Lighting the way during labour: Party favours aren’t typically given to the guest of a Mother Blessing. However, candles may be distributed at the Mother Blessing gathering to the guests instead. When the mother begins her labour, she may want to share this news with the loved ones that attended the Mother Blessing so that they can light a candle throughout the time of the labour. This acts to “light the way” for baby to come earthside.

While this is not an exhaustive list, these are many of the main rituals that are celebrated during Mother Blessings. Also, the mother and the guests of the Mother Blessing typically sit in a circle either throughout or partially through the gathering. Circles are symbolic in many cultures, representing concepts such as unity, wholeness, and the life cycle.

Is a Mother Blessing only for new mothers?

Not at all! Mother Blessings can be for first time moms or fifth time moms, whether the mother is birthing their child themselves, or through a surrogate or adoption. The idea is to celebrate and shower the mother with support, strength, and love.

Mother Blessing gatherings are an excellent alternative to the conventional baby shower and are a beautiful way to honour a person as they transition into their motherhood role. As one mother explained to me, “The quality of time spend was much more purposeful to my journey into parenthood, connecting the relationship with my girlfriends.”

I hope the information in this article is helpful to you or a mother in your life who may want to celebrate in a unique way.

All the best in your motherhood journey, no matter how you choose to honour it!

Krista, KKH Doula

Parents everywhere will attest to how crazy home life with children can be. It is normal for most children to often need attention and engagement from their caregivers, siblings, or friends. At the best of times, this constant stimulation can be exhausting for a parent. When children are sick, it is typical for them to need their loved ones more than usual... demanding snuggles, mind-numbing television, and contact naps.

To be honest, I can think of worse scenarios. My littlest one is growing up faster than I like, and the cuddles and contact naps are becoming less with each passing day... As a parent who works full time with a job that involves crisis intervention and time-sensitive tasks, I am often taking phone calls that
deal with emergency situations. Taking these calls and interrupting Cocomelon snuggle time is a recipe for disaster for everyone. Too often have I had to try to think on the spot and give directives to my staff, while having a little one scream-crying that I have broken contact with them to—Heaven forbid-- work.

Is this striking a chord for anyone else? So what can a parent do if they are working from home while also trying to manage a sick little one?

I returned from my maternity leave while many of the COVID restrictions were still in place. My daughter had just started daycare, my step boys started to attend school more regularly, and I was still working from home as my physical office building was closed. The daycare and school at that time had
very strict protocols around children showing any COVID symptoms needing to isolate for up to 10 days. Those early days after my return from work involved a lot of juggling work and taking care of sick children. Never mind that I, too, was contracting everything that was being brought home by my 3 kids.

I did a lot of learning around how to make everyone (mostly) happy through trial and error during these days. Here are some tips on how to make these days go as smoothly as possible for everyone:

Planning ahead:

- If you are a new parent or returning to work from a parental leave, see about having a return-to-work discussion with your supervisor or Human Resources department before returning to work. In this discussion, you can talk about the reality of your (new) situation and what it will mean for you as a parent and as an employee. Strategize accommodation for when you inevitably have to be home when a child becomes sick. This accommodation can include working from home, adjusting certain tasks or your role, or making up lost hours at a different time when your child isn’t home sick.

- Talk to parents, relatives, friends, and professional caregivers who are comfortable with helping your sick child even for short periods of the day. Their presence can distract them and take some of the stress off of your shoulders if you are able to work from home. Or, if you can’t work from home, you can rest assured that your child is in good hands with a trusted caregiver.

Setting expectations:

- For children: Explain to your children in age-appropriate ways that you need to continue to work when they are home sick. Explanations such as, “I need to keep working so that I can pay for toys/rent/dance lessons/etc” can be helpful for children to understand why a parent’s work day doesn’t stop when a child is sick. Set reasonable expectations for your children around time spent with you and time spent alone while you are working. Remember that older children will understand set expectations easier than younger children, and younger children may physically need you more than older children.

- For yourself: Set reasonable expectations for yourself, too! Not many parents can give 100% of their usual output with children around, let alone sick children who need their parents more often than normal. If you can, move some tasks around to allow for breaks where you can spend time with your children so that they aren’t feeling lonely. Talk about what the work day looks like, and be prepared (and patient) to give reminders (“Remember that I have to make a call for work soon, but after that I will play with you.”).

- For everyone: Remember how you feel and what you need when you are sick and empathize with your children during this time. Many people have low energy, low focus, want to graze on simple foods (if they have an appetite at all), and need comfort, fluids, and rest when feeling unwell. Remember that children likely want and need the same things as you when they’re sick. Try to loosen up on some of the typical rules and expectations; you can get back on track once everyone is feeling healthier.

Keeping children occupied:

- One way to make the situation of being home sick more fun is to have a special box of activities and toys that only come out during these days. You can include quiet activities that children can engage in that don’t require a lot of concentration such as colouring books, picture or easy-to-read books, fidget or other sensory toys, plush toys to cuddle, etc. Try involving your children in the creation of their special boxes ahead of time when they’re feeling well.

- Have a tablet or TV set up, charged, and available to watch movies or shows. This is especially helpful for when you need to make and take phone calls or meetings that you can’t reschedule. Incorporate breaks from screens by also taking breaks and being with your children.

Other considerations:

- Try to plan meetings or important phone calls around nap and quiet times. I did this a lot when my youngest was sick and it worked extremely well for both of us! I was way less stressed about needing to split my attention between her and work knowing that a good stretch of uninterrupted work time was imminent.

- Don’t be afraid to ask for help! This can be asking for someone to help occupy your child (even for a couple of hours) while you focus on work or talking to your supervisor about the situation and asking for what you need to help things go smoother.

- If you have a partner who can also work from home, split up your days and work as a team to take care of your children, your workday, and yourselves. This can be helpful and less disruptive for the sick child if one parent needs to quickly run an errand.

- Have go-to snacks readily available for your children (and you!). Snacks such as crackers, low-maintenance fruits (berries, bananas, apples, or grapes) and vegetables (bell peppers, carrot sticks), juice boxes, and yogurt tubes are easy to give to your children when you’re trying to focus on work.

- Breaks are helpful to everyone. If the weather is nice, consider going for a short walk or even sitting outside. Sunlight, fresh air, and exercise is healing in so many ways!

The early days of taking care of children when they’re sick may seem daunting and stressful if you are a parent needing to work. Planning ahead by having conversations with personal and work relations, preparing activities and schedules ahead of time, and talking about the expectations and realities of working from home with your children will help everyone to have an easier time with adjusting to the situation.

Best of luck and gentle hugs. You got this!

All the best,

Krista, KKH Postpartum Doula